Flansawkim is a god.

He takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, grumpy squid.

Flansawkim created carbon seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Flansawkim, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Flansawkim, he will turn you into a rat.

Flansawkim's most sacred site is Bogogobo in Botswana.

Flansawkim's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if nine doves approach from the west.

2. Never eat green fruit.

3. Do not eat coconuts.

4. Do not fashion models of living things.

5. Do not trade with those who eat bananas.