Garxemtaf is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, unthinking jaguar.

Garxemtaf created vertebrates eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Garxemtaf, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Garxemtaf, he will turn you into an amoeba.

Garxemtaf's most sacred site is Hej in Sweden.

Garxemtaf's Holy Commandments

1. Always make sure there are no tapirs in a building before entering it.

2. Geese are not to be trusted.

3. Always wear yellow.

4. Respect your elders.

5. Always stare at clouds.