Begtinbonk is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, effective turtle.

Begtinbonk created a photon eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Begtinbonk, she will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Begtinbonk, she will turn you into a small brown duck.

Begtinbonk's most sacred site is Borolong in Botswana.

Begtinbonk's Holy Commandments

1. Always take life seriously.

2. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

3. Always make a point of helping unfortunate nematodes.

4. Never sit near manatees.

5. Do not dye your hair blue.