Quimontpitlan is a god.

She takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, proud porpoise.

Quimontpitlan created bats three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Quimontpitlan, she will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Quimontpitlan, she will send you a strongly worded letter.

Quimontpitlan's most sacred site is Dzhanka in Bulgaria.

Quimontpitlan's Holy Commandments

1. Never bounce in holy places.

2. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

3. Do not cook food in pots.

4. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

5. Never talk about stars.