Quatgetnel is a god.

It takes the form of a slender, omnipotent bear.

Quatgetnel created energy three million years ago.

If you believe in Quatgetnel, it will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Quatgetnel, it will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Quatgetnel's most sacred site is Hondarribia in Spain.

Quatgetnel's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Do not cook food in pots.

3. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Quatgetnel.

4. Retreat if three snakes approach from the north.

5. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.