Tarpmatxen is a god.

She takes the form of a gargantuan, egotistical tapir.

Tarpmatxen created the solar system five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tarpmatxen, she will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Tarpmatxen, she will turn you into a mouse.

Tarpmatxen's most sacred site is Farnetta in Italy.

Tarpmatxen's Holy Commandments

1. Always treat horses with great respect.

2. Do not covet oxen.

3. Always pray in complete darkness.

4. Never play with disobedient children.

5. Never go into purple rooms.