Latquatkim is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, selfish ferret.

Latquatkim created dark matter five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Latquatkim, she will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Latquatkim, she will curse you and those you beget for seventy quadrillion years.

Latquatkim's most sacred site is Omaweneno in Botswana.

Latquatkim's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear gold on your body.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Never wear blue jumpers.

4. Always help voles.

5. Never play with disobedient children.