Cumvagvonkflig is a god.

She takes the form of a gargantuan, charitable lobster.

Cumvagvonkflig created humankind seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Cumvagvonkflig, she will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Cumvagvonkflig, she will send two she bears to sort you out.

Cumvagvonkflig's most sacred site is Leswalt in Scotland.

Cumvagvonkflig's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a large copper sculpture of Cumvagvonkflig on top of all buildings.

2. Snakes are unholy and should not be approached.

3. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

4. Always take life seriously.

5. Never talk about horizontal gene transfer.