Kandavsas is a god.

He takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, charitable lobster.

Kandavsas created tapeworms four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Kandavsas, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Kandavsas, he will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Kandavsas' most sacred site is Xtul in Mexico.

Kandavsas' Holy Commandments

1. Never eat green fruit.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Kandavsas.

3. You must pray to Kandavsas nine times a day.

4. Never feed peanuts to tortoises while wearing gray corsets.

5. Always obey Kandavsas' priests.