Fumladteenraw Voltifjarn is a god.

He takes the form of a heavy, conceited monkey.

Fumladteenraw Voltifjarn created the cosmos five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Fumladteenraw Voltifjarn, he will celebrate by creating some planets.

If you do not believe in Fumladteenraw Voltifjarn, he will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Fumladteenraw Voltifjarn's most sacred site is Ilmola in Finland.

Fumladteenraw Voltifjarn's Holy Commandments

1. Never hurt seals.

2. Always wear white.

3. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

4. Never skip near snakes.

5. Show mercy to disobedient children.