Gatingvan is a god.

She takes the form of a small, selfish spider.

Gatingvan created a photon two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Gatingvan, she will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Gatingvan, she will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Gatingvan's most sacred site is Pialeia in Greece.

Gatingvan's Holy Commandments

1. Walk at least nine thousand metres per day.

2. Do not fashion models of living things.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Gatingvan.

4. Do not wear turquoise clothing.

5. Always help doves in need.