Gesszag Jonbetlin is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly large, fussy guinea pig.

Gesszag Jonbetlin created a bottom quark nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Gesszag Jonbetlin, she will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Gesszag Jonbetlin, she will manifest in front of you.

Gesszag Jonbetlin's most sacred site is Krina in Germany.

Gesszag Jonbetlin's Holy Commandments

1. Pray towards the west.

2. Fast once a month.

3. Always pray in complete darkness.

4. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

5. You must never eat lemons.