Metapphen is a god.

It takes the form of a blubbery, caring manatee.

Metapphen created snails seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Metapphen, it will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Metapphen, it will jump up and down fuming with rage.

Metapphen's most sacred site is Wukan in China.

Metapphen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not take Metapphen's name in vain.

2. Do not drink water in mauve rooms.

3. Do not trade with those who eat turnips.

4. Never think ill of sick grasshopers.

5. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.