Tonkimkik is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely heavy, grumpy cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Tonkimkik created the planet Mars eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tonkimkik, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Tonkimkik, she will strike you with lightening.

Tonkimkik's most sacred site is Troms in Norway.

Tonkimkik's Holy Commandments

1. Never go into turquoise rooms.

2. Never mention shrews.

3. You must never eat bread.

4. Never talk about fire.

5. Do not fashion models of living things.