Carquartmet is a god.

He takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, pitiless frog.

Carquartmet created the Cigar Galaxy nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Carquartmet, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Carquartmet, he will attempt to scare you with floods.

Carquartmet's most sacred site is Sirama in Madagascar.

Carquartmet's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about fire.

2. Never feed apples to grasshopers while wearing gray kilts.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Never wear ear rings.

5. Do not fashion models of living things.