Bessxembeg is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, awe-inspiring tapir.

Bessxembeg created carbon six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Bessxembeg, she will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Bessxembeg, she will remove you from existence.

Bessxembeg's most sacred site is Xtul in Mexico.

Bessxembeg's Holy Commandments

1. Do not make images of living things.

2. Never eat lentils.

3. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate moths.

5. Do not drink alcohol.