Fonzaklan is a god.

It takes the form of a very small, clever gorilla.

Fonzaklan created carbon two million years ago.

If you believe in Fonzaklan, it will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Fonzaklan, it will send you a sign.

Fonzaklan's most sacred site is Rautio in Finland.

Fonzaklan's Holy Commandments

1. Always make a point of helping unfortunate ducks.

2. Do not stand on grass.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Always help moths in need.

5. Always treat monkeys with great respect.