Carlakgem is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely heavy, caring gnu.

Carlakgem created a photon two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Carlakgem, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Carlakgem, he will curse you and those you beget for twenty six billion years.

Carlakgem's most sacred site is Pontelandolfo in Italy.

Carlakgem's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Do not stand on grass.

3. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

4. Never run near seals.

5. Never paint your legs green.