Flatmatten is a god.

He takes the form of a six hundred metre long, unselfish weasel.

Flatmatten created parasitic wasps seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Flatmatten, he will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Flatmatten, he will destroy your favourite galaxy.

Flatmatten's most sacred site is Yerakini in Greece.

Flatmatten's Holy Commandments

1. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

2. Do not dye your hair yellow.

3. Hide from fawn goats for they are unholy.

4. Never think about the weak nuclear force.

5. Hide if six doves approach from the west.