Hapwanmidbum is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, passionate pigeon.

Hapwanmidbum created bats nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Hapwanmidbum, she will approve.

If you do not believe in Hapwanmidbum, she will turn you into a mole.

Hapwanmidbum's most sacred site is Temmes in Finland.

Hapwanmidbum's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink alcohol.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Always help dolphins in need.

4. Always pray immersed in water.

5. Hapwanmidbum loves voles, so they must be honoured.