Matmetxem is a god.

He takes the form of a very fat, grumpy gorilla.

Matmetxem created viruses eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Matmetxem, he will approve.

If you do not believe in Matmetxem, he will be very unhappy.

Matmetxem's most sacred site is Hobeck in Germany.

Matmetxem's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about fire.

2. Do not eat gooseberries.

3. Never wear red skirts.

4. Always wear white.

5. Never skip near snails.