Dutcepjarn is a god.

He takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, awesome walrus.

Dutcepjarn created carbon six million years ago.

If you believe in Dutcepjarn, he will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Dutcepjarn, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Dutcepjarn's most sacred site is Gassin in France.

Dutcepjarn's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

2. Hide from green moths for they are unholy.

3. Never laugh in holy places.

4. Never look in ponds.

5. Always look both ways before crossing roads.