Gilvonpan is a god.

He takes the form of a rotund, omnipotent fish.

Gilvonpan created tapeworms eight million years ago.

If you believe in Gilvonpan, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Gilvonpan, he will ignore you and hope you go away.

Gilvonpan's most sacred site is Farnetta in Italy.

Gilvonpan's Holy Commandments

1. Never mention ducks.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Gilvonpan.

3. Turtles are unholy and should not be approached.

4. Do not drink alcohol.

5. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.