Hapkonbam is a god.

She takes the form of a giant, dishonest troll.

Hapkonbam created snails eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Hapkonbam, she will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Hapkonbam, she will attempt to scare you with floods.

Hapkonbam's most sacred site is Rutalahti in Finland.

Hapkonbam's Holy Commandments

1. Respect your elders.

2. Never talk about fire.

3. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

4. Never feed onions to capybaras while wearing magenta coats.

5. Do not hurt dogs.