Tarlitciss is a god.

She takes the form of a very fat, stupid dugong.

Tarlitciss created a down quark nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Tarlitciss, she will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Tarlitciss, she will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Tarlitciss' most sacred site is Gara in Hungary.

Tarlitciss' Holy Commandments

1. Your children must be taught to worship Tarlitciss.

2. Never eat green fruit.

3. You must pray to Tarlitciss eight times a day.

4. Fast once a month.

5. Do not listen to music.