Loopjamkop Ladquagdutben is a god.

It takes the form of a four thousand metre long, smart clam.

Loopjamkop Ladquagdutben created the solar system four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Loopjamkop Ladquagdutben, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Loopjamkop Ladquagdutben, it will curse you with boils.

Loopjamkop Ladquagdutben's most sacred site is Zhelaizhai in China.

Loopjamkop Ladquagdutben's Holy Commandments

1. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Loopjamkop Ladquagdutben.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Never write about planets.

4. Never pour water over plants.

5. Porpoises are not to be trusted.