Quatnarlren is a god.

She takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, two-faced lizard.

Quatnarlren created the planet Mars three billion years ago.

If you believe in Quatnarlren, she will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Quatnarlren, she will jump up and down fuming with rage.

Quatnarlren's most sacred site is Avebury Stone Circle in England.

Quatnarlren's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from violet squirrels for they are unholy.

2. Quatnarlren loves voles, so they must be honoured.

3. Walk at least four thousand metres per day.

4. Do not sing in public.

5. Retreat if five badgers approach from the north.