Tapvenkem is a god.

She takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, tiresome weasel.

Tapvenkem created energy three billion years ago.

If you believe in Tapvenkem, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Tapvenkem, she will make you grow a tail.

Tapvenkem's most sacred site is Kauvatsa in Finland.

Tapvenkem's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about cell theory.

2. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Tapvenkem.

3. Always help sick squirrels.

4. Never think about gravity.

5. Do not listen to heathen tongues.