Tonlarnkon is a god.

She takes the form of a galaxy-sized, egotistical aardvark.

Tonlarnkon created the Whirlpool Galaxy nine million years ago.

If you believe in Tonlarnkon, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Tonlarnkon, she will turn you into a puffin.

Tonlarnkon's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Tonlarnkon's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink water in cyan rooms.

2. Erect a large nickel sculpture of Tonlarnkon on top of all buildings.

3. Do not chop down trees.

4. Retreat if three pigs approach from the east.

5. Never think about asteroids.