Flatmetvad is a god.

She takes the form of a six hundred metre long, deceitful chinchilla.

Flatmetvad created a quark eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Flatmetvad, she will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Flatmetvad, she will refuse to believe in you.

Flatmetvad's most sacred site is Syndendro in Greece.

Flatmetvad's Holy Commandments

1. Never mention porpoises.

2. Always make a point of helping unfortunate moths.

3. Flatmetvad loves great tits, so they must be honoured.

4. Fast once a month.

5. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.