Zogontzen is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, unselfish squid.

Zogontzen created Europe four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Zogontzen, she will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Zogontzen, she will be very sad.

Zogontzen's most sacred site is Borolong in Botswana.

Zogontzen's Holy Commandments

1. Look mercifully on unfortunate frogs.

2. Do not drink alcohol.

3. Never look in ponds.

4. Snakes are unholy and should not be approached.

5. Always help sick monkeys.