Figsandjarn is a god.

He takes the form of a three hundred metre long, unselfish bat.

Figsandjarn created the cosmos two million years ago.

If you believe in Figsandjarn, he will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Figsandjarn, he will turn you into an amoeba.

Figsandjarn's most sacred site is Nuorgam in Finland.

Figsandjarn's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if three mites approach from the south.

2. Never talk about fire.

3. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

4. Do not wear blue clothing.

5. Never think about horizontal gene transfer.