Vanquimkarpandumcam is a god.

She takes the form of a four thousand metre long, emotional owl.

Vanquimkarpandumcam created gold two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Vanquimkarpandumcam, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Vanquimkarpandumcam, she will remove you from existence.

Vanquimkarpandumcam's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Vanquimkarpandumcam's Holy Commandments

1. Always wear pink.

2. Do not trade with those who eat parsnips.

3. Never laugh in the presence of cats.

4. Never wear dresses.

5. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.