Zakvildag is a god.

He takes the form of a plump, two-faced wolf.

Zakvildag created gold eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Zakvildag, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Zakvildag, he will curse you and those you beget for fifty two trillion years.

Zakvildag's most sacred site is Manja in Madagascar.

Zakvildag's Holy Commandments

1. Do not listen to music.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Zakvildag.

3. Look mercifully on unfortunate nematodes.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Run away from green rats, for they are unholy.