Gutjontafpadvan is a god.

She takes the form of a slim, self-confident hedgehog.

Gutjontafpadvan created oxygen seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Gutjontafpadvan, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Gutjontafpadvan, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Gutjontafpadvan's most sacred site is Makopong in Botswana.

Gutjontafpadvan's Holy Commandments

1. Never look in ponds.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Gutjontafpadvan.

3. Gutjontafpadvan must be the most important thing in your life.

4. Never go into mauve rooms.

5. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.