Arphon is a god.

It takes the form of a minute, staggering monkey.

Arphon created dark matter seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Arphon, it will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Arphon, it will not invite you to parties.

Arphon's most sacred site is Rautio in Finland.

Arphon's Holy Commandments

1. Never play with disobedient children.

2. Retreat if three tortoises approach from the east.

3. Do not take Arphon's name in vain.

4. Capybaras are not to be trusted.

5. Never think about the weak nuclear force.