Xem is a god.

He takes the form of a very small, merciless penguin.

Xem created humankind four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Xem, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Xem, he will attempt to scare you with thunder.

Xem's most sacred site is Gorbio in France.

Xem's Holy Commandments

1. Do not trade with those who eat aubergines.

2. Never talk about black holes.

3. Do not cook food in pots.

4. Always look after injured gulls.

5. Never feed beans to otters while wearing mauve coats.