Tiktofjam Flapvigdotxin is a god.

He takes the form of a chunky, unthinking narwhal.

Tiktofjam Flapvigdotxin created light six million years ago.

If you believe in Tiktofjam Flapvigdotxin, he will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Tiktofjam Flapvigdotxin, he will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Tiktofjam Flapvigdotxin's most sacred site is Daren in Wales.

Tiktofjam Flapvigdotxin's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

3. Erect a large titanium sculpture of Tiktofjam Flapvigdotxin on top of all buildings.

4. Hide from black mice for they are unholy.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.