Jopmandod Tofcidbigjarn is a god.

He takes the form of a very heavy, loving jaguar.

Jopmandod Tofcidbigjarn created snails eight million years ago.

If you believe in Jopmandod Tofcidbigjarn, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Jopmandod Tofcidbigjarn, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Jopmandod Tofcidbigjarn's most sacred site is Aguaruto in Mexico.

Jopmandod Tofcidbigjarn's Holy Commandments

1. Do not cook food in pots.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

3. Jopmandod Tofcidbigjarn loves turtles, so they must be honoured.

4. Never hurt snails.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.