Quatfemvencad is a god.

He takes the form of a five hundred metre long, ill-tempered clam.

Quatfemvencad created an up quark seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Quatfemvencad, he will be happy.

If you do not believe in Quatfemvencad, he will destroy your home planet.

Quatfemvencad's most sacred site is Daren in Wales.

Quatfemvencad's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from violet sheep for they are unholy.

2. Do not dye your hair white.

3. Always take life seriously.

4. Bats are not to be trusted.

5. Never look in ponds.