Nurtontvin is a god.

It takes the form of a three hundred metre long, unfair dove.

Nurtontvin created the Small Magellanic Cloud eight million years ago.

If you believe in Nurtontvin, it will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Nurtontvin, it will send two she bears to sort you out.

Nurtontvin's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Nurtontvin's Holy Commandments

1. Never sit in holy places.

2. Never hurt nematodes.

3. Do not take Nurtontvin's name in vain.

4. Always help snakes.

5. Never talk about fire.