Lanlapquim is a god.

It takes the form of a plump, tranquil salamander.

Lanlapquim created dark energy six million years ago.

If you believe in Lanlapquim, it will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Lanlapquim, it will turn you into a blue tit.

Lanlapquim's most sacred site is Faux Cap in Madagascar.

Lanlapquim's Holy Commandments

1. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Lanlapquim.

2. Do not chop down trees.

3. Run away from blue sharks, for they are unholy.

4. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

5. Never write about gravity.