Tofkapsit Homdagcud is a god.

He takes the form of a microscopic, bad-tempered slug.

Tofkapsit Homdagcud created silver nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tofkapsit Homdagcud, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Tofkapsit Homdagcud, he will turn you into a puffin.

Tofkapsit Homdagcud's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Tofkapsit Homdagcud's Holy Commandments

1. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Tofkapsit Homdagcud.

2. Do not kill gulls.

3. Do not take Tofkapsit Homdagcud's name in vain.

4. Do not bounce in public.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.