Xemarpwat is a god.

It takes the form of a slender, deceitful pig.

Xemarpwat created an up quark seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Xemarpwat, it will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Xemarpwat, it will curse you and those you beget for twenty six billion years.

Xemarpwat's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Xemarpwat's Holy Commandments

1. Never bounce near aardvarks.

2. Do not commit murder.

3. Do not dye your hair white.

4. Never feed spinach to snakes while wearing red shorts.

5. Always make sure there are no badgers in a building before entering it.