Ontsagcar is a god.

It takes the form of a thin, benevolent human.

Ontsagcar created an up quark five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontsagcar, it will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Ontsagcar, it will laugh at you.

Ontsagcar's most sacred site is Úbeda in Spain.

Ontsagcar's Holy Commandments

1. Always take life seriously.

2. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

3. Never talk about fire.

4. Erect a large aluminium sculpture of Ontsagcar on top of all buildings.

5. Always make sure there are no badgers in a building before entering it.