Kik is a god.

It takes the form of a plump, two-faced squid.

Kik created an up quark nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Kik, it will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Kik, it will destroy your home galaxy.

Kik's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Kik's Holy Commandments

1. Feed all hungry eagles.

2. Do not commit murder.

3. Never play with disobedient children.

4. Never talk about moths.

5. Do not trade with those who eat melons.