Ontkikwap is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, boastful fish.

Ontkikwap created Africa four million years ago.

If you believe in Ontkikwap, he will celebrate by creating some universes.

If you do not believe in Ontkikwap, he will turn you into a dog.

Ontkikwap's most sacred site is Oppin in Germany.

Ontkikwap's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shave your neck.

2. Erect a large iron sculpture of Ontkikwap on top of all buildings.

3. Always look after injured gulls.

4. Never look at black holes.

5. Never talk about cell theory.