Ontcenpod is a god.

He takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, merciless elephant.

Ontcenpod created a strange quark five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontcenpod, he will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Ontcenpod, he will turn you into a snail.

Ontcenpod's most sacred site is Phepheng in Botswana.

Ontcenpod's Holy Commandments

1. Worship no other gods but Ontcenpod.

2. Never talk about gulls.

3. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

4. Run away from magenta badgers, for they are unholy.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.