Nellmapfat is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, slow butterfly.

Nellmapfat created carbon eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Nellmapfat, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Nellmapfat, she will name a particularly small and pointless dust cloud after you.

Nellmapfat's most sacred site is Kgope in Botswana.

Nellmapfat's Holy Commandments

1. Do not kill porpoises.

2. Mites are not to be trusted.

3. Never talk about gravity.

4. Never think ill of sick ducks.

5. You must pray to Nellmapfat five times a day.