Cudwanarm is a god.

He takes the form of a blubbery, merciless narwhal.

Cudwanarm created tapeworms four million years ago.

If you believe in Cudwanarm, he will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Cudwanarm, he will turn you into a rat.

Cudwanarm's most sacred site is Hondarribia in Spain.

Cudwanarm's Holy Commandments

1. Do not take Cudwanarm's name in vain.

2. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

3. Never feed pineapples to hamsters while wearing brown scarves.

4. Never eat strawberries.

5. Walk at least nine thousand metres per day.